I have never believed in writing when angry! I always felt that anger distorts perception, is illogical, and indicates a lack of control over the self.
Today I realized that anger clears away the clutter of “logic”! Honest-to-god anger shows us the truth in a blinding flash.
Often, our logical, conscious mind conditioned on “should do” and “control is good” deceives us. Till something happens that forces us to go beyond the logical and feel with our gut, with our bones and all our senses. It leaves us shaken to the core but also strangely relieved.
Two things in life are very precious to me (except my daughter of course):-
And, they have never been mutually exclusive. I have learned with joy and pleasure all things new—some have been challenging, some have aroused my curiosity, some have reinforced what I knew and some have been the result of really hard work—but every time I learned, every situation that enabled me to do so, brought me joy.
Till something happened that made the two things so precious to me mutually exclusive—a situation from where I can learn, perhaps a lot, but by compromising on my self-respect, by bending to “processes” where human interaction has no meaning. A process where no one extends warmth or understanding or mutual respect, a process that is bound to rot one day because it is driven by “process” and is not for the “people.”
Brought face-to-face with this dilemma, I caught myself asking, “What is more important of the two?”
Sheer anger and the tears of absolute helplessness told me it is self-respect. I am strangely relieved that I shall go through this dilemma no more. And when the moment comes to choose, I know my way ahead.
If prizing self-respect above learning makes me egoistic, then I am egoistic. I am proud. I am glad of what has happened. It has helped me to find my core, my strength.
I wanted to have this documented and so a post that deviates from e-learning and is of a personal nature. But I am documenting this, laying it out in the open so that I don’t forget this commitment to myself, and don't compromise on my priorities.